Good morning
In recent years I noticed that my dad gets touchy if I don’t reply to his morning greetings on Signal, or if I arrive at their place and forget to say “Hello Dad” like he expects me to. His annoyance seems rather out of proportion with the actual circumstance, and is matched only by my own annoyance at his annoyance. That is, until having children of my own made me see things a bit differently.
As far as I am concerned, my two year old is a little monster. He is ready to throw a tantrum at the first sign of displeasure. He is particularly violent towards his older brother. Nevertheless, when there are strangers, the little monster transforms to a darling angel with the most coy looks and sweet smiles. One would hardly believe he is the same person. This happens most commonly when I pick him up at day care. What contrast there is between how he treats me and how he treats his educators! When I bemoan this injustice with the child care workers, they assure me this is completely normal and “All children are like that.”
In this respect adults are no different. I am often surprised at how differently my wife treats me compared to how she behaves her colleagues. To her colleagues, my wife is very paragon of meekness. Her emails are overflowing with humble consideration and hesitancy. Not to sound like I am complaining, but I can’t say she treats me the same. However, if I am often surprised by my children and my wife, the person who surprises me the most is surely my self. Many times at home, I catch myself in moods or saying things which would shock my colleagues.
It is surely one of the great paradoxes of life that we exercise greater restraints and practise greater courtesies towards colleagues we know for a few years than family members and life-partners with whom our lives are bound. In fact, we often give the worst to those who are closest. Surely, it would make sense to do the reverse and give the closest our best. Nevertheless, the reason for this contradiction is not difficult to understand. With outsiders we know we have to work to win their acceptance. With those close to us we know we can get away with misbehaviour. That’s why my nickname for my wife is “My comfort zone.”
Ultimately, the reason for this strange contradiction is not so important. What is important is that the tendency is hard to resist. That’s why saying a sweet “Good morning” to my wife, which should be easiest thing in the world, is consistently hard. Many mornings I don’t feel like it because the first word is often “It’s already 8am and we are late” or “Why are the kids not ready?” If I had to tally, the most frequent excuse is probably “She was rude to me yesterday, why should I be pleasant this morning?”
The things and people to which and to whom we should hold the dearest we most easily take for granted. Do I know that I have to treat my wife better than I treat my colleagues? Yes, I do. Should I do this by a pleasant greeting every morning? Yes, I most definitely should. Can I do it? Yes, but only with great difficulties, unwillingness, and unnatural effort.
I had chance to think about all these because, like my dad, I have been annoyed with my boys in the morning. I seem almost invisible as they walk past and demand breakfast (or whatever they are demanding). At first I was merely annoyed and told them off for being rude. After a while it was clear that reprimanding them was not going anywhere. With much patience, I slowed down the eldest and taught him the ritual of greeting their dad and giving him a hug in the morning.
This morning my eldest ran over to give me a big hug, and his little brother ran behind him to copy him because he copies everything his brother does. The three of us were wrapped in a warm embrace. Needless to say, it was a wonderful way to start the day. But more importantly, if the simple habit of saying “Good morning Dad” every day can teach them not to take their loved ones for granted, and if one day it is instinctive for them to start each morning with an embrace of their spouse, then I know I have done something right for my children.